neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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