You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
