Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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