Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
smell my finger.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
