After last night, I could never be a politician.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
