If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
