That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You can't special order awesome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
