I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
