i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
