Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize