Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
