There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She announced her abortion via fbk
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
