Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You ate ashes out of my bong
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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