i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
