How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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