I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
