You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
