It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
