Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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