my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
