This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
