i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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