Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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