my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We don't watch enough power rangers
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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