When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
