My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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