thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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