I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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