i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Life is so much better after having sex.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
