During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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