Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
