I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
