I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
