Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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