I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
