there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
