I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
