I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
