Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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