We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
