Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
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