Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
