I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
