He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
