Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
