Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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