Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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