She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
