I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize