Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
