You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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