If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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