I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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