I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
