if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
