youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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