Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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