I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize