Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
