She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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