He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
