I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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