I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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