Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sext me about skeletons
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
