You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
